Que Sera

Day is almost 11 months, and I think I have realised his birth is what it is, I accept that. It was very difficult for me to understand why my plan to have a similar repeat of J's birth did not come into fruition. The pregnancy was so very different, not enjoyable at all, I felt uncertain the whole way through and it really made me question life itself. I now see J's birth (and pregnancy to lesser extent) was as close to perfect as I could have ever expected. I feel very blessed for that experience. I know I was still very blessed to have a homebirth with Day, I never felt the need to seek medical care or assistance through the pregnancy or labour. It was more of an unsettling emotional journey that made me question my feelings on birth and of course, my ability to survive it in that sense. I did, but I bear the scars of uncertainty so much so that I dare not think I could do it all again. In my most recent dreams that I recall, I am pregnant and in fear. Even so, I must say I have come to see that the birth of Day was safest at home. Of course, I preferred my husband was with me, I so often say If only...but what does it matter, it is done and I can't go back and change a thing. My children were with me anyway, I expected (as did my husband) too much of our young daughter (eleven at the time) and as much as I see how much it affected her positively and she has indeed matured, I am sure I would not ever plan it that way. Day was born in a deflexed position, so that he did not crown in the usual position but so that I felt tremendous pain as if I had no idea what was happening (continuing that uncertainty theme). I am grateful that I was at home, that I was in water. I could see a episiotomy in the lithotomy bed stance if I was in hospital, at best. Imagine if my husband wasn't so calm about his wife being in labor at home on her own (albeit with their children). I would have been in hospital with him I would imagine. I have over thought all the scenarios of what may have been. Instead it was what it was, it was my son's birth, his beginning. It is a part of who he is. Que Sera is what I often said to myself as I went through the uncertain pregnancy (in particular the pre labour that left me feeling clueless) and so it was.