Saturday, April 7, 2012
Que Sera
Day is almost 11 months, and I think I have realised his birth is what it is, I accept that.
It was very difficult for me to understand why my plan to have a similar repeat of J's birth did not come into fruition. The pregnancy was so very different, not enjoyable at all, I felt uncertain the whole way through and it really made me question life itself. I now see J's birth (and pregnancy to lesser extent) was as close to perfect as I could have ever expected. I feel very blessed for that experience.
I know I was still very blessed to have a homebirth with Day, I never felt the need to seek medical care or assistance through the pregnancy or labour. It was more of an unsettling emotional journey that made me question my feelings on birth and of course, my ability to survive it in that sense. I did, but I bear the scars of uncertainty so much so that I dare not think I could do it all again. In my most recent dreams that I recall, I am pregnant and in fear.
Even so, I must say I have come to see that the birth of Day was safest at home. Of course, I preferred my husband was with me, I so often say If only...but what does it matter, it is done and I can't go back and change a thing. My children were with me anyway, I expected (as did my husband) too much of our young daughter (eleven at the time) and as much as I see how much it affected her positively and she has indeed matured, I am sure I would not ever plan it that way.
Day was born in a deflexed position, so that he did not crown in the usual position but so that I felt tremendous pain as if I had no idea what was happening (continuing that uncertainty theme). I am grateful that I was at home, that I was in water. I could see a episiotomy in the lithotomy bed stance if I was in hospital, at best. Imagine if my husband wasn't so calm about his wife being in labor at home on her own (albeit with their children). I would have been in hospital with him I would imagine. I have over thought all the scenarios of what may have been. Instead it was what it was, it was my son's birth, his beginning. It is a part of who he is.
Que Sera is what I often said to myself as I went through the uncertain pregnancy (in particular the pre labour that left me feeling clueless) and so it was.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Monday, May 23, 2011
The birth of D
I always know when I am pregnant. I didn't bother getting a pregnancy test but I guess I was in denial or maybe I was protecting myself from a possible loss. At 6 weeks I started to get severe nausea. The morning sickness was horrendous. I was basically bedridden for 6 weeks, could barely eat or drink and I felt useless and depressed. Thankfully my husband and daughter were fantastic during this period. The house didn't completely fall apart without me. The nausea continued til about 21 weeks as it slowly became less debilitating. Nausea still continued to rear its ugly head but not so violently. Its worth noting I rarely vomit and having nausea without relief really took it out of me.
At about 28 weeks I started to experience pre labour. I felt tightenings and expansions mostly in my pelvis irregularly over the last 10 weeks or so of the pregnancy. I did consider that I may go early this time but I didn't.
My estimated due date came and went on 8th May - Mothers Day. Baby was very low in the pelvis, I never had much back or rib pain and for this I was glad as I enjoyed the movement and I was still active and going out with my family til the night of 10th May. This is when I had loss of bloody mucous plug - I had been losing a lot of mucous but this blood was long awaited. I was excited but nothing was happening so tried to rest.
For 2 hours I was restless and decided I would like to use the pool. I was feeling unsure at this point. I couldn't really feel much but pressure in my pelvis. I was in the pool, it was like I needed to push but my anxiety was holding me back. It was as if my waters needed to break, I resisted. I said "This is scary" many times. I got out to go to the toilet worried I would be stuck on there and have a baby on there so hurried back. Things really slowed down. I resigned that nothing was going to happen so we went to bed. Nothing much happening til the morning of the 12th May. I had decided to give up my anxiety and accept what was to happen. I really wanted something definite to happen and for my husband to stay home but he was needed at work. I thought that if nothing happened before he went to work, it wouldn't til at least the evening.
He left for work and I started to fill the pool. I figured if nothing was going to happen I would make use of the comfort of the pool.
I filled the pool but had to empty some as it was too cold. My daughter got up for school and wondered what was happening. Nothing much was happening as my daughter came in. I wasn't worried about the big kids going to school. My daughter helped me to keep the pool warm with kettles of boiled water. It was a big job and she was so excited. I had to calm her down though. It wasn't helping being asked many times, "How long now?" "How many cms are you dilated?" etc. "Will the baby come?" "Yes, maybe next week but eventually." Finally she calmed down and I felt a sense of maturity come over her. Only 11 but what a lot to expect of her. She was kept busy with pool warming and entertaining J - mostly cuddling.
Meanwhile my husband was calling every hour or 2. I told him that the contractions (which I only felt low in my pelvis, never across my belly or back or elsewhere) were slow and steady - 10 minutes apart so I was still not sure if anything was going to happen. Maybe that night or in the following week. Maybe the pool would slow it all down which I was fine with.
He called at 4 when I made an attempt at asking him to come home then as I was sick of it all. He said he would be back soon, 5:30pm. By that stage I had sent the big boys to their room. My toddler was singing as I moaned but when the fierce contractions came I had to scream and this led him to leap into big sister's lap. I got back in the pool as a feeling of almost needing to bear down started. My daughter was sweeping and tidying up the mess on the floor that her brothers had made which I thought was great for her as I didn't want her to just sit there and watch. I know she was incredibly curious and wanted to see how I was getting bub out. When the boys heard my waters broke, they hugged each other and jumped about! Not long after I started feeling a very strong feeling in my butt (think bowling ball)- I had to scream through the contractions, this was tough. It was too late, I had to get this baby out. I was wanting to be pregnant for a while longer, I wanted to knit and do anything else. Not having a baby, but I hadn't a choice. This baby wanted out, so I pushed and the top of his head was out, oh my gosh this hurts. I felt his head, it was hard yet soft. Not something I could describe. Flexed head.
A second almighty push got the head all out. He was not yet free so I knew I had to push to get the shoulders out. It was probably quite fast and intense but at the time it may as well be in slow motion. I think when I had him on my chest the first thing I said was "Hello Hello" according to my daughter then "You hurt me, really hurt me!" Thought I'd never recover but days later I was feeling fine. The shock probably didn't help at all. After bub was born the boys came in and N couldn't stop saying "Is it real?" over and over. Av looked stunned, he just stared at D. Initially J was keeping his distance but he seemed to like "Babe Born" pointing at him and smiling.
Not long after I felt the placenta coming off the wall. I had the urge to get it out. The kids were on Dad watch and couldn't wait to show them what we (really me!) did that day! He came in the door as the placenta was birthed. It was in a weird shape (scrunched up rather than flat I remember with the others) so I was trying to guide it out very gently.
Our 5th child, forth boy was born at 5:17pm on 12th May 2011
At some stage I was telling the kids to take pics but they were struggling so the first pics are weird! This photo by me.
Hubby asked if we should keep bub attached so D was lotus born on 15th May at 10:30am.
At about 28 weeks I started to experience pre labour. I felt tightenings and expansions mostly in my pelvis irregularly over the last 10 weeks or so of the pregnancy. I did consider that I may go early this time but I didn't.
My estimated due date came and went on 8th May - Mothers Day. Baby was very low in the pelvis, I never had much back or rib pain and for this I was glad as I enjoyed the movement and I was still active and going out with my family til the night of 10th May. This is when I had loss of bloody mucous plug - I had been losing a lot of mucous but this blood was long awaited. I was excited but nothing was happening so tried to rest.
He left for work and I started to fill the pool. I figured if nothing was going to happen I would make use of the comfort of the pool.
I filled the pool but had to empty some as it was too cold. My daughter got up for school and wondered what was happening. Nothing much was happening as my daughter came in. I wasn't worried about the big kids going to school. My daughter helped me to keep the pool warm with kettles of boiled water. It was a big job and she was so excited. I had to calm her down though. It wasn't helping being asked many times, "How long now?" "How many cms are you dilated?" etc. "Will the baby come?" "Yes, maybe next week but eventually." Finally she calmed down and I felt a sense of maturity come over her. Only 11 but what a lot to expect of her. She was kept busy with pool warming and entertaining J - mostly cuddling.
Meanwhile my husband was calling every hour or 2. I told him that the contractions (which I only felt low in my pelvis, never across my belly or back or elsewhere) were slow and steady - 10 minutes apart so I was still not sure if anything was going to happen. Maybe that night or in the following week. Maybe the pool would slow it all down which I was fine with.
He called at 4 when I made an attempt at asking him to come home then as I was sick of it all. He said he would be back soon, 5:30pm. By that stage I had sent the big boys to their room. My toddler was singing as I moaned but when the fierce contractions came I had to scream and this led him to leap into big sister's lap. I got back in the pool as a feeling of almost needing to bear down started. My daughter was sweeping and tidying up the mess on the floor that her brothers had made which I thought was great for her as I didn't want her to just sit there and watch. I know she was incredibly curious and wanted to see how I was getting bub out. When the boys heard my waters broke, they hugged each other and jumped about! Not long after I started feeling a very strong feeling in my butt (think bowling ball)- I had to scream through the contractions, this was tough. It was too late, I had to get this baby out. I was wanting to be pregnant for a while longer, I wanted to knit and do anything else. Not having a baby, but I hadn't a choice. This baby wanted out, so I pushed and the top of his head was out, oh my gosh this hurts. I felt his head, it was hard yet soft. Not something I could describe. Flexed head.
A second almighty push got the head all out. He was not yet free so I knew I had to push to get the shoulders out. It was probably quite fast and intense but at the time it may as well be in slow motion. I think when I had him on my chest the first thing I said was "Hello Hello" according to my daughter then "You hurt me, really hurt me!" Thought I'd never recover but days later I was feeling fine. The shock probably didn't help at all. After bub was born the boys came in and N couldn't stop saying "Is it real?" over and over. Av looked stunned, he just stared at D. Initially J was keeping his distance but he seemed to like "Babe Born" pointing at him and smiling.
Not long after I felt the placenta coming off the wall. I had the urge to get it out. The kids were on Dad watch and couldn't wait to show them what we (really me!) did that day! He came in the door as the placenta was birthed. It was in a weird shape (scrunched up rather than flat I remember with the others) so I was trying to guide it out very gently.
Our 5th child, forth boy was born at 5:17pm on 12th May 2011
At some stage I was telling the kids to take pics but they were struggling so the first pics are weird! This photo by me.
Hubby asked if we should keep bub attached so D was lotus born on 15th May at 10:30am.
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